On Thursday, I came across a video titled ‘Lambat Dapat Jodoh?’ by renowned ophthalmologist and motivational speaker, Prof Datuk Dr. Muhaya Mohamad on YouTube. The controversial video that was posted on her social media had went viral and has now been deleted following backlashes by netizens on social media.
Through the 56-second video, Prof Datuk Dr. Muhaya offered tips to single ladies to act a little dense in order to attract a life partner. She indicated that men like ‘damsels in distress’ and are intimidated by independent and intelligent women. She opined that woman should not try to compete and do better than men. Something like that.
She recommended that independent and intelligent single women keep their ambition in check, act “lembut lembut” (gentle, dependent and needing help) and “macam bodoh bodoh sikit” (act a little dense, stupid or dumb) to attract their ‘jodoh’ (life partner).
In her video, Prof Datuk Dr. Muhaya suggested that independent and intelligent single women keep their ambition in check and stop trying to outdo men, because if they try to do what men are doing, their testosterone level will increase, and this will scare away men. As a result, women will find it hard to find men who wanted to marry them and their ‘jodoh’ will be delayed. The doctor advised independent and intelligent single women to relook at their own characters that could be the cause of their delayed ‘jodoh’.
“Those with high testosterone (level) constantly want to drive, achieve and be independent. Men like women who are gentle, have high oestrogen (level), dependent, and need to be helped. It’s alright to act a bit dumb,” she said.
I was rather stunned to hear this coming from a professedly intelligent, successful and highly respected medical practitioner and motivational speaker. My late mother was in fact a big fan of Prof Datuk Dr. Muhaya and insisted to have her cataract removal eye surgery be performed by the ophthalmologist despite having to pay twice the amount that was charged by KPJ Ampang Puteri Specialist Hospital. Hence, I have always had high respect for Prof Datuk Dr. Muhaya.
To be fair and to give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps ‘orang zaman dulu-dulu’ (the older generations) were like that in their outlook and mindset. Perhaps, these were influences from the society, our culture and individual upbringing.
I remember, even my late mother used to tell me not to show any hints of superior intelligence when I am with men who could be my potential suitors. In other words, must try to act like a dumb blonde. Otherwise, it would be difficult to find ‘jodoh’.
During my first marriage, I followed my late mother’s advice, because I didn’t know any better – being young and naive. I tried acting dumb, docile, dependent, and always in need of help so that my ex-husband would feel superior. My ex-husband seemed to like that ‘damsel in distress’ acts – he would not even let me drive. On the other hand, he would gladly take care of everything that I needed, because he felt needed.
I was agreeable and submissive as I wanted to be an ‘Isteri Mithali’ (perfect wife) because ‘syurga di bawah telapak kaki suami’ (a woman’s paradise is under the soles of her husband’s feet), as the old wives’ tale would have it.
Besides, whenever I spoke up my mind, we would get into quarrels. Sometimes get a taste of his feet, literally. Over time, I was constantly bullied and abused, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, by my ex-husband. So much so for wanting to be an ‘Isteri Mithali’.
In my first marriage, it was not acceptable for me as a wife to outdo my husband. Whenever I got promoted at work or got a salary raise bigger than my ex-husband, we would get big fights because he felt challenged. I could never do better than him because his male ego would be bruised and his image wounded.
Even after all that ego inflating ‘damsel in distress’ acts, he eventually left me, over SMS nonetheless. Back in the days, there was no WhatsApp application. If there was a WhatsApp for sure he would have used that. Adding salt to the raw wound, he just had to do it on our seventh wedding anniversary. All he said over SMS was, “You have always been my ideal. Lately, my ideal has changed. I can no longer be with you. I would like to end this marriage.”
Later, I discovered that he had found another ‘damsel in distress’ who was much better at acting dumb.
Being dumped over SMS on my seventh anniversary was excruciatingly painful to swallow, very much like cancer. Or probably worse, I can’t say. I was in rock-bottom depression due to post-traumatic stress and I was almost suicidal if not for friends who have been my cheerleaders during those difficult times. I also developed serious trust issues with men.
It took me 10 years to remarry. In my decade of singlehood, I was resolute to ‘just being myself’. I was never that ‘damsel in distress’ in the first place, because even without a life partner for ten years, I had always found solutions to whatever problems I was facing. Soft spoken, perhaps I was, but I do speak up my mind when there is a need to – at the right person, at the right time and at the right place. I was assertive, but not aggressive, so to speak.
For ten years, I focused on my career, became fiercely independent, and I was busy accumulating life experiences. I travelled widely – and often alone – to new places, was competitively racing go-karts, trekking mountains and regularly speaking at Toastmasters clubs.
Since I was single for so long, my late mother and quite a few of my aunts, just like Prof Datuk Dr. Muhaya did, used to tell me to keep my ambition in check, act “lembut lembut” and “macam bodoh bodoh sikit” to attract my ‘jodoh’. She said I was probably intimidating men who were my potential ‘jodoh’.
After several trials and errors, I learned my lessons. I decided that those men who find me intimidating, or wanted me to be their version of an ideal woman, are not worth pursuing after all. They will never take me as I am.
I just want to be with a life partner who will respect me as an equal and will take me as I am, so there will be no need for me to be someone else when I am with him.
Alhamdulillah I am now married to a man who lets me be myself.
My current husband is not as highly educated nor as well to do as was my ex-husband and most men I used to date. However, he is a fast learner, and he is good at many things that I am not good at. So, we complement each other with our strengths and weaknesses. Together, we are enough.
The fact that he is younger than me, makes him look up to me for advice often. He is not afraid to admit when he doesn’t know something, and that he’s not learned or highly educated. Therefore, he always gets my opinion on many things in life.
My current husband is not ambitious but he his always supportive of me pursuing whatever I want to work on. He simply just lets me be, and lets me fly high and go places. He is understanding and supportive. That’s what he is, my top cheerleader and number one fan.
Alhamdulillah I am blessed not to have to act dumb damsel in distress with him. In fact, my current husband does not like stupid women and women who act dumb. Neither there is any need to be “lembut lembut’. I don’t need to wear make-up and dress up like a fashionista, because he likes me in my jeans, tee shirts and Crocs.
I have never regretted waiting for ten years to remarry. At least, I found a man who loves me and takes me as I am. Correction. Rather, we found each other, with some help from a distant cousin who played ‘match maker’ for us.
To all the single ladies out there, don’t be afraid to fly high and go places. Just be yourself, don’t change who you are for any man. Women should not have to hide their intelligence just because they want men to love them. The right man will love you and take you for who you are.
Understanding yourself is power. Loving yourself is freedom. Forgiving yourself is peaceful. Being yourself is bliss.
