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The hardest thing to let go

I saw him, the man I was going to marry, waiting at the front gate for me, next to his dark green Peugeot, wearing jeans and white t-shirt.

He was quiet man, and hang out with the same group of old friends. My circle of friends overwhelmed him. I on the other hand are outgoing and like meeting people and making new friends. I like exploring new things and places. Life to me is a series of exciting adventures.

“Let’s go!” he said, breaking my train of thoughts as I walked towards him. Suddenly, he paused and looked at me. “Hang on wait a minute. Why are you dressed like this?”

“What’s the matter?” I asked for clarification. I was dressed in a mauve long dress with matching shoes and clutch purse. We were going out for lunch with his old friends at a restaurant in the city. He wanted to introduce me to them.

“I’ve already told you that my friends are very ordinary people. With you dressed like this, it’s a bit extravagant and they’re not used to this. How about this. We still have time. You can go upstairs and change your clothes. Just dress the way ordinary people do.”

I was not extravagantly dressed. It was stylish but simple, smart casual outfit. I objected, “My clothes are still good, just old. It’s simple and not flashy. I feel it’s appropriate for the occasion.”

He disagreed, “You feel it’s appropriate because you usually dress like this. When you attend events, you dress like this. So do your friends. But my friends are unlike yours. They will feel weird. They will feel that the two of us are not compatible in our dressing. We will look odd.”

I was feeling dejected but I tried not to spoil the mood of the day. “How about I leave my purse in your car? I won’t bring it along. I’ll just bring my mobile phone. Will this be alright?” I proposed.

“Just listen to me this time. Go and change. Jeans and sneakers will do. Or else people will say, how will I get matched with this wealthy lady?”

We were indeed from two different professions and social circles – and neither was willing to adapt to the other. He worked as a biotechnology scientist in a laboratory and he didn’t meet many people. He worked with products, not people. I worked at a multinational corporation. I meet people of all levels, so I dressed well. He, on the other hand, worked in his lab coat.

His social circle encompassed only his old friends. My social circles are extensive and include people from all walks of life, locally and globally. I enjoyed meeting people and making new friends. I walked the earth with friends, not maps – so to speak. We were, by all means, worlds apart, as he always puts it. If opposites do attract, then this must be it. Nevertheless, attraction alone is not enough to keep a relationship going.

“What wealthy lady? What do you mean by matched? Your friends may not think or say this. It’s just you over thinking this,” I replied after sorting out my thoughts.

“Can you share my worries about this, okay?” he implored.

I decided not to budge. He needed to accept me the way I am. We were getting married in two months’ time, the acid test has to be now or never. “If you have an issue with me, then regardless of what I say or how I dress today, the issues will remain. Today it’s my dress. Tomorrow it may be a word I say. When we get married, it might be the food I cook. Aren’t I right?”

He pleaded, “Don’t think that way. I feel I’m the problem. I always feel I’m not good enough. I’ve done my utmost to win you over, but what’s wrong with me? No matter what I do, I’m still afraid of you looking down on me. Look at your friends with respectable jobs and driving great cars. If you have a problem, they just lift a finger and it gets resolved. Me, can I do the same? Can I help you the same way? I just can’t do the same for you, when I think of this.”

I heaved a sigh, knowing where this relationship will go in the end. Nowhere. “I’ve said this to you before and I will say this again. You over thinking things. If you want to say, this issue of who can match up to whom. When I meet your old friends, I will say this. I’m a divorced woman. Will this be enough?”

“Please don’t say it like this. Please don’t,” he begged.

I made it clear to him, “You’re worried again. You are afraid that others will say I’m not good enough for you. It all boils down to an issue with your ego. Ever since I got divorced, I have learnt one thing. Ego is the hardest thing in the world to let go, but it’s also the most useless. What matters is your heart and what you think of yourself and not how you see yourself, through the eyes of others. Today if it suits you, we can go just like this. If not, you can tell your friends that I have an urgent matter to attend to.”

He hesitated. So, I helped him make a decision. “I’m sorry. I think today is not a good day to meet your friends. I’m going home to spend the day with my mom,” I ended our conversation and walked away from him.

With all that happened that day, it felt like a bucket of cold water being poured over me to wake me up. I realised that he and I actually have fallen into a restrained and compromising relationship. One that feels secured and amiable but not truly happy.

That was the last time that I went out on a date with him. He didn’t speak to me for a month after that. I ended our relationship less than a month before the day we had planned to take our vows.